A Muslim Girl’s Guide For Dealing with Boys
As salamu aleycum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
Life is full of crazy obstacles, but the one that will probably bug you the most and always be getting in the way is the opposite gender. Here, from one sister to another, is a Muslim girl’s guide for how to deal with guys.
No Touching: Muslims are forbidden to touch any non-Mahram (Mahram is your dad, brothers, father-in-law, husbands, grandfathers, and the siblings of your parents) person of the opposite gender.
That means no patting on the back, no hand shaking, no pushing, no shoving, no holding hands, and obviously no kissing and all that. If you’re in a difficult situation where you think someone will try to shake your hand, the best thing to do is just smile and say, “My people don’t shake hands” and then explain why. And why, is because we believe a woman’s touch is a privilege and she doesn’t just share it with anyone.
No Flirting: Not even with Muslims, not even in an Islamic school, especially not in a masjid! Flirting means that you’re saying or doing things on purpose that make the other person attracted to you. There’s no set criterion for what flirting is, but any girl knows what is and how to do it.
Muslim women are supposed to behave better than the average woman, who has to be beautiful for all the men around her all the time, who are trapped behind their looks and only judge themselves to be worthy if half the men they know are in love with them. A wise dude once said, “Don’t start the mower unless you intend to cut the grass”.
If you don’t want a guy’s advances, then don’t do anything to earn them. There’s no point in throwing yourself all over guys and trying to seduce half the world. You really only want to marry one guy, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and chances are he isn’t going to be some dork you fluttered your eyelashes at in high school.
No Boyfriends: As a Muslim, you know that having a boyfriend is haraam because it counts as Zina – fornication. Fornication, in easy English, means `sexual sin’. Allah expressly forbids romantic or sexual relationships outside of marriage. When people go against that rule, then you get the typical western society where people play sexual merry-go-round with each other, giving each other STDs [sexually transmitted disease], using and abusing each other, and destroying the sacredness of marriage as an institution.
You can’t even be sort of engaged to a guy, and then “date” to get to know each other. In Islam, non-Mahram men and women aren’t allowed to be alone together (that includes talking on the phone!), to touch (not even shake hands), or even gaze at each other. It doesn’t matter if the guy you like is Muslim, a great guy and the Prince of England, you can’t date him.
No Boy—friends: The easiest way to ensure that you don’t end up falling in love with some guy before you’re ready to get married is to avoid making friends with boys. Of course in school you have to interact with boys all over the place, but that doesn’t mean you should be best buds with them. Probably 90% of relationships begin from friendships. Chances are you’re not ready for marriage, your parents aren’t ready to let you get married, you’re still in school/college and your crush is not the sort of fellow you want to spend the rest of your life with, so just avoid being friends with the opposite sex in the first place. It really is the best formula for saving yourself from needless temptation.
When you have to talk to boys in school as teammates, lab partners, group members, and peers, it’s best to maintain a distance. That means that you don’t confide in them, you don’t let down your guard, you don’t unnecessarily engage them in needless conversation, don’t joke around, and never flirt. Yeah it may be a little hard, but this is your afterlife we’re talking about.
So many great sisters have put themselves in really sticky situations because they allowed a boy to get to know them, and either ended up liking the boy, or having the boy like them. Once that happens you either end up becoming a pair (which is HARAAM!), or having to end your friendship.
Instead of letting it get to that point, and then having to kill a friendship that you probably worked hard on cultivating, you should just stop it before it begins. There are plenty of great girls all around who can be your friends and if you really think only a guy will understand your problem, then talk to your REAL brother, or your father, or an uncle.
No Talking on the Phone with Boys: In Islam its forbidden for non-related guys and girls to be alone together because there is the chance for physical zina, vocal zina, and zina of the eyes. That means, with no one there to watch you guys except that boogery shaitaan, then you might be tempted to actually DO something, or say gross things, or just stare at each other all lustily. With that in mind, it’s also a safe bet to assume that talking on the phone with non-Mahram guys is a no-no too. Why? Because unless you’ve both got it on speaker-phone and you’re chaperoned by a responsible person, then you’re still kind of “alone” with him.
The people in your house can’t hear what he’s saying to you, and his family can’t hear what you’re saying to him. There’s a chance for some bad stuff then, so just avoid it. Not to mention, having some dude saying things into your ear that no one else can hear would be gross in real life, why is it okay for him to talk into your ear via the telephone? For the most part it’s just too intimate.
Work place: Even in work place keep a distance with the opposite sex, discuss only about the work not more than that, more importantly keep distance, dont involve yourself in lot of giggling etc. When a female smiles it gives the space for a man to come closer for those who have a disease of bad intentions. Always prevention is better than cure.
Be Disaffected: What does that mean? Disaffected means un-affect-able. That means that nothing a dude can say can hit your nerves, make you blush, or get a reaction out of you. It also means that you are uninterested in what they do as well. Imagine yourself being in an airplane looking down on the scenery below.
You’re a little interested in what’s going on down there, and it may look really nice, but you know that to get to the scenery you have to jump off the plane. Like the scenery miles below you, the guy may look really nice, but you know that to get him you have to jump off the plane …errr…commit spiritual suicide, and though the fall may be fun, you will eventually hit the ground 600 meters below and go -splat– on Judgment Day. Maybe even sooner.
Short of becoming an ice-princess, being disaffected involves putting up a mental wall between you and all of male-kind. They don’t know your thoughts and you don’t care for theirs. You can interact with guys at school/college within the bounds of Islam, but always maintain a formal distance.
Don’t ask a guy how his infected toe is doing. Don’t give him a hug when he looks down. Don’t offer to help him with his homework. Don’t go out of your way to remind him that you exist, and that you’re not half bad looking. Even if you don’t feel like behaving, make yourself behave anyway, your afterlife is important enough to discipline yourself for.
The safest philosophy when dealing with guys is remembering this “He’s not what I want, so why should I do anything to make him interested in me? That’ll just make for a painfully awkward situation and it’s not worth the sin anyhow.”
Remember that you’re always being watched! Would you act all giggly and stupid with boys if the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) could see you?
No, right? Because you’d feel like an ungrateful idiot for disregarding the religion that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) took so much pain for just to deliver to you. Well, imagine how ungrateful it is to act like a supreme idiot when Allah can see you all the time, and it’s really stupid to disregard the religion that Allah prescribed, the favors He’s bestowed upon you. How dumb is it to take the eyes that Allah gave you and do things with them that He told you not to? (like goggle at boys?) How much stupider is it that He can see you doing this, and you know it!
You have no secrets! Not because Big Brother (whoever that is…) is watching you, but because every single thing you ever did will become public domain on the Day of Judgment, and you’ll be brought to trial to defend what you did.
Just don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your friends, and the whole world to know about, ok?